


Recourse

by Ourliazo



Series: Kakashi Ex Machina [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Kakashi Is Sick Of Your Shit, Kakashi Just Wants To Be Left Alone, Possessive Behavior, Things Aren't Better Than Cannon - But They're Not Worse Either, Warning: Orochimaru's Candy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2018-11-06 19:41:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11042979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ourliazo/pseuds/Ourliazo
Summary: Kakashi has a last resort, a final option for when times are desperate. It’s… it’s embarrassing.Where Kakashi hides a trump card under his mask.





	1. Chapter 1

“Aren’t you supposed to be a missing-nin right now? Doing… missing-nin stuff?” Kakashi asks, trying to buy time.

He’s a teenager so he has no hope of getting away, but he’s also a genius and a jonin so at least he can stall and maybe do some damage. Kakashi tightens his grip on his tanto and prepares to fight.

Orochimaru shrugs carelessly, the Sharingan following his every move, and steps over the (hopefully unconscious) body of Kakashi’s ANBU partner. “I wanted to see how you were doing.”

“I’m fine, thank you,” Kakashi replies politely, backing away. “And how have you been?”

The Sannin smirks, reading the awkwardness off the small sliver of Kakashi’s face that shows. “I am content with what is happening. Still continuing my experiments. Perhaps you could come visit me some time and I can show you?”

“Oh,” Kakashi says slowly. “Well that’s nice of you to offer... I guess. But I don’t think I’m allowed to visit you.”

There is something incredibly wrong with this scene, Kakashi knows, but he really can’t think of anything else to say.

The Snake Sannin defected barely three months ago but before that he used to be an odd man who would give Kakashi treats whenever they accidentally bumped into each other. How is Kakashi supposed to react in this situation?

Maybe betrayal, or anger because the man turned traitor? Should Kakashi be trying to kill the older male despite the fact that he’s most definitely going to lose the fight? Is there some kind of emotional template or sequence of events that Kakashi should follow?

He glances back down to his ANBU partner who doesn’t seem like they’ll be moving for a very long time. “Look, I should probably be heading home. The mission was pretty long…”

“You must be tired,” Orochimaru hums in some approximation of empathy. “Here, as an apology for keeping you.”

Orochimaru blurs forward, and before the teenager can do anything but flinch, the snake contractor is gently patting Kakashi on the head and tucking some wrapped candy pieces into one of his flak vest pockets.

Then the Sannin is gone.

* * *

Danzo thinks the decision is very easy. There’s really no other option, to be truthful.

It's not just about Konoha and protecting the village. It’s about the boy as well. God forbid the Uchiha actually manage to stage the coup d’état, because along with uncountable deaths, the first thing they’re going to do is take back the eye they claim was stolen from them.

Danzo isn’t just protecting his village, he's protecting his Kakashi too.

No threat to the boy will be tolerated.

* * *

Kakashi grimaces and makes sure to keep his non-broken hand clasped around his mouth. He pulls his knees up and presses back against the tree he was thrown into. His ANBU mask and his normal one was ripped off as he was tossed away but it should be fine. He can tell immediately that no one has seen his face.

The last target goes down and the ANBU commander appears before him, crouching down and blotting out the world with his mass.

“Are you badly injured, Hound?” the ANBU demands.

Before Kakashi can try and brush the question off, the porcelain masked male reaches forward and pulls Kakashi’s hand away from his face. The commander freezes and Kakashi rips his hand back, pressing it to his mouth and furling up as much as he can.

The medic steps forward, having to move around the large man to see Kakashi, but the commander just waves them away and rips off the bottom of his shirt to tie around Kakashi's face.

For the rest of the travel home, Kakashi is almost blissfully happy at how the commander reacted - or didn’t react as it were. Maybe he’s finally found someone immune, someone he can relax around and not have to keep his guard up all the time.

But a day after reaching Konoha, Kakashi is forced from ANBU, on orders of the commander. As he digests the news, the commander steps forward and runs a hand through Kakashi’s silver hair.

“It’s too dangerous,” the other man whispers. “And you are far too precious.”

* * *

The Kyuubi perks up behind the bars of its cage as the silver haired one steps into the room. The blonde container laughs loudly, obnoxiously, at the chalkboard eraser that falls onto the jonin.

“My first impression is… I despise all of you,” Kakashi deadpans.

The Kyuubi barely notices the words, too intent on drinking in the sight of his human. This is the human that Kyuubi will never hurt, the one with starlight for hair. Kurama realises that the human will be the container’s teacher, will have to be with Kurama, and the fox starts laughing.

Naruto feels happiness bubble up inside him and he can’t help but smile as he races Sasuke up to the rooftop.

Kakashi notices the odd intensity in Naruto’s eyes and writes it off as Guy-levels of enthusiasm. At least the broody Sasuke should even it out, though Kakashi could do without the fangirl mindset in Sakura.

Kakashi has had more than enough experience with possessive stalkers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like it (Ialreadyregretposting). The sections kind of bob between fanatic obsession and comedy, so it might read strangely. This is supposed to be mainly humour though.
> 
> I do have a second chapter if anyone is interested…?


	2. Chapter 2

“Hey,” the other man greets casually, as if he didn't just break into Kakashi's house and then search through the jonin’s stuff while he waited for Kakashi to arrive home from training his new team.

Kakashi doesn't give any indication that he registers the foreign presence, not even glancing up from his Icha Icha book. He closes the front door with a light kick and wanders further into his home, flopping onto the couch.

“I came to see you,” the other man says happily as he bounds from the kitchen bench to the couch besides Kakashi. He then stares at the jonin intently.

Kakashi sighs and looks over at the man covered in something like white bandages that spiral all across his body, the origin of the swirl coming from the man’s eye. The white body is clad in a dark purple cloak, the hood down for now.

“Did you want something, Tobi?” Kakashi deadpans.

The man flails his hands a bit. “Um, so congratulations on getting students.”

“I hate children,” Kakashi replies.

“That's good,” Tobi says in an encouraging manner. “I mean, Uchihas are always awesome and the girl kind of has cool hair, but try to not get attached to the blond.”

Kakashi goes back to his book again, uncaring.

“Because, you know; the Eye of the Moon Plan I've told you about,” Tobi continues. “The blond kind of needs to be murdered.”

Kakashi, not for the first time, wonders if he should actually get the man some psychiatric help. He still thinks it's not really his problem if a weird Konoha ninja just decides to dress up when they're off duty, and he's used to the stalking so it's not a problem per se.

However, Tobi has been going on about moons and Goddesses and Biju for a while now. Unfortunately Tobi actually believes the words coming out of his mouth, to the point where he’ll leave out a lot of information whenever he talks to Kakashi about it, citing that it’s for Kakashi’s own good that he doesn't know.

Admittedly the jonin hasn’t helped the delusion, because when he was really bored one day he sat Tobi down and explained just how stupid the plan was. And then because Kakashi was really, _really_ bored he spent the rest of the day making a better plan with Tobi. (Kakashi is a genius, so he already has several different routes to world domination in mind.)

The other man promised to use the shared idea as a backup if things went wrong, but apparently he's not the leader of the moon-fetish group.

“You're not murdering my students,” Kakashi berates half-heartedly.

“No, no,” Tobi says quickly. “Not students as in plural; just one student. I'm only going to torture and slaughter _one_ of them.”

His stalkers often talk about killing a lot of the people close to Kakashi, so this is normal. It's not technically a breech of his duty as a Konoha ninja to ignore the man.

A thought occurs to Kakashi then and he lowers his book, turning on the three-seater couch to fully face the other male. “You are a Konoha ninja, aren't you?”

Tobi shrugs. “Grew up here, and then my family moved on… to another place.”

Kakashi accepts it easily enough. Even if the man is an enemy, he can’t be worse than Orochimaru. Right?

They both hear familiar footsteps outside and Tobi quickly stands, rests his hand on Kakashi's shoulder for a moment, and then sneaks out of the window. Kakashi tucks away his book and quickly pats down the couch to make it look like no one had been sitting there.

He then stops because it's not like he has a reason to hide the other's presense. Tobi broke into his house, this isn't some kind of traitourous rondevouz that they have to keep secret from anyone. Is… is Kakashi getting used to this? Does he think of Tobi as an actual friend?

As Kakashi stares at the couch and has a small mental breakdown, the door swings open and a tall man steps through, his broad shoulders filling the doorway.

“How was your day?” the older man asks, wandering over and flopping onto the couch, much like Kakashi did before.

“Not bad,” Kakashi admits, locking away his earlier thoughts into a dark corner of his mind. “Only one stalker today - and Guy. Actually I'm pretty sure he counts as a stalker as well.”

Guy, despite the way he acts, actually hasn't seen Kakashi's face and that is a blessing. Partly because a more obsessed Guy is not something Kakashi ever wants to see.

Mostly because Kakashi knows their friendship is genuine.

The other man chuckles and swings an arm around Kakashi's shoulders, dragging in the younger until they were cuddled up on the couch.

“You didn't spot any Root following you around?” the older male asks casually. “Danzo needs to pick up his game. I thought he'd be a good protector when I showed him your cute little face but if he's slacking I might have to get someone else. How about the Kazekage?”

“No,” Kakashi deadpans. “No, don't even joke about that.” He sometimes wonders if the other man is trying to protect him or just plain torture him.

The older man laughs again and presses a kiss to Kakashi's temple. “Love you,” he says.

"Love you too, Dad," Kakashi responds automatically, but there's genuine emotion in his voice.

And that. That sentence is why Sakumo doesn't regret showing people despite Kakashi's many complaints. If he hadn't taken those steps, then he might not have been alive to hear those words.

* * *

_"Well if it isn't the failure," Danzo greets. "Have you thrown any more missions lately?"_

_Sakumo says nothing, not reacting to the insult. It's mild -almost polite- compared to what's being spat at him lately. He gently shifts the sleeping (drugged) child in his arms and hooks a finger in the material of the mask to pull it down._

_"Protect him," Sakumo orders._

_Danzo is unable to do anything but agree._

* * *

_"Why?" Orochimaru demands as soon as he can talk again. "There has to be someone better."_

_Sakumo pauses, one hand still on the door. "I can't trust him with someone better. I chose you because you're a bad person and you're willing to do bad things to keep him safe."_

* * *

_"What more can I give him than a tailed beast?" Sakumo says, more to himself than the other occupant of the room._

_"The Kyuubi is locked away," Kushina replies at barely a murmur. She cradles the small child close to her chest and holds him like he'll shatter easily._

_"But you can release it," Sakumo points out calmly as if he isn't suggesting that Kushina throw a being of hatred and death into the world. "And you will if Kakashi is ever in danger."_

_Kushina nods though Sakumo was far from asking politely._

_Sakumo relaxes, barely visible, because just a few more people need to be instructed and Kakashi will be safe. He needs to leave, so his son won't be looked at with the same disgust they spit at Sakumo, but he won't be leaving Kakashi alone._

* * *

_A group of adults find Kakashi near his usual training ground. They move fast and quiet so he assumes high chunin or jonin. They drop out of the trees near him but they don't make any move to attack so Kakashi refrains from stabbing anything._

_"Do you enjoy your father's presence?" one ninja asks._

_"Yes," Kakashi sounds out, rather confused._

_And that's more than enough of an answer. The boy wants his father, so the father must remain. The adults leave swiftly, though one returns and pats Kakashi on the head before disappearing._

_No one ever speaks badly of Sakumo after that day._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is stuffed with backstory and I’m sorry that it reads so clunky. 
> 
> Anyway, I made this because so many (on FFN) kept asking about events and how they would change. The actual second chapter is coming soon.
> 
> Do you... do you like it?


	3. Chapter 3

"It's just a C-rank," Kakashi says to the masked Root member. "Please stop following me."

The other ninja does nothing except keep staring. Kakashi has been walking twice as slow as a civilian so he has enough time to convince the Root member to leave. This is Kakashi's mission and he does not need help walking his genin around. They may not be on leashes but everyone knows the first time is to get them acclimated to being outside the village.

The speed is definitely annoying Team Seven and their client. Kakashi even saw poorly hidden tracks that indicated an ambush (two of them) had been set up, but then the enemy got tired of waiting and left. That's how ridiculously slow Kakashi has been moving.

Team Seven is right outside the bridge builder's house at this point and for some reason this particular Root ninja is stubborn. Kakashi glances through the trees to where his team is clustered around the family of three, completely ignorant to the ninja that has been following them. If he was alone, he would be able to lose the tail.

"Nothing is going to happen," Kakashi insists. "Seriously, go home, take a nap, whatever – literally just do anything else. I can feel your eyes on me and it's distracting."

The Root member seems to consider Kakashi's words for a moment, then lies down on the ground and curls up near the base of a tree.

"I mean take a nap at home  _inside Konoha_ ," Kakashi deadpans but doesn't keep pushing it. As long as Kakashi isn't being watched constantly then he's fine with this. He pulls out his Icha Icha and walks back to his team.

* * *

 

Kakashi tracks Zabuza closely but keeps his students in his periphery.

Sakura is standing determinedly in front of the bridge builder, her feet steady and kunai sharp. Sasuke is fighting the fake hunter-nin and most definitely winning. Naruto is probably still sleeping away at the house, able to keep the small family safe from whomever Gato would likely send after them.

Haku hits the ground hard from Sasuke's last attack and tumbles back, rising to his feet quickly enough despite the blood he then coughs out.

Zabuza only laughs.

The air grows colder rapidly and the water around Sasuke jerks upwards, taking shape and solidifying in an instant. The flat planes reflect like mirrors but a chill seeps off them like ice. Sasuke can barely be seen through the slight gaps in the walls and Haku leaps into one of the mirrors, dissolving into it.

Kakashi moves forward. He doesn't know this jutsu and he's not comfortable with leaving one of his students inside no matter how good Sasuke is. Zabuza darts in front of Kakashi but the Konoha ninja simply flips over the other man and continues, easily sliding into the cage through one of the small gaps.

There's a slight possibility that Zabuza would just go for Sakura and the bridge builder, but the most likely reaction is to follow. People like Zabuza don't go for the weak ones when they can have Kakashi instead.

The Konoha-nin very calmly lands beside Sasuke and raises a mud wall to block the hail of senbon that fires from every ice mirror. He takes the wall down and spends a moment enjoying Haku's startled expression before grabbing Sasuke.

The plan to jump his way out fails when Zabuza charges in, his unnecessarily massive sword whistling through the air with how fast he swings it.

Kakashi mentally apologises and kind of drop kicks Sasuke out of the ice prison –softly!- while Haku is still distracted. By the time Sasuke lands on his feet outside, Kakashi is already turning to block the missing-nin with a kunai. He has to lean into the defence with how strong and heavy the sword is and Haku takes advantage.

A hail of senbon shoot from the mirrors, aimed for Kakashi. He drops to the ground, avoiding them all, but Zabuza's sword swings down since Kakashi isn't holding it up anymore. He rolls to the side and the weapon clips his jaw, cutting his mask and drawing a thin line of blood.

Kakashi lurches to his feet and the ripped mask falls. His hand snaps up and holds it on but Zabuza's eyes are quicker.

"Oh," the missing-nin says slowly, lowering his sword.

* * *

 

Sakura watches in relief as the mirrors vanish but tenses when she realises the two missing-nin are still standing. So Kakashi didn't win? But he's not injured either, though he does seem to be adjusting his mask.

Zabuza moves forward and leans into Kakashi, the two adults having a quickly whispered conversation. It ends as suddenly as it started and Zabuza straightens up, turning and striding away with Haku following at his heels, the boy also looking a bit confused.

"What?" Sasuke finally blurts out, unable to keep quiet. "What just happened?"

Zabuza waves a careless hand at the Uchiha. "Keep your teacher safe, I'll be back after killing some people."

Sakura, Sasuke and Tazuna all turn to stare at Kakashi in confusion. The jonin smiles and pretends this is all normal and according to plan. If they press him for an answer then he can claim it's the mystical powers of the Sharingan and no one can argue.

* * *

 

Sarutobi takes a long draw of his pipe and peers over his desk at the two missing-nin beside Kakashi, only allowed in after their weapons were stripped from them. The genin were already sent away after being praised for doing a good job.

"So," the Sandaime Hokage begins. "Are you aware that there is a missing-nin holding your hand…?"

"Yes," Kakashi says simply, hunching his shoulders and raising the bright orange book to further hide the small portion of his face visible. His other hand is clasped securely inside Zabuza's and Haku stands a little behind and to the side.

"Could you please explain why?" Sarutobi orders more than he asks.

"After the third time I left a clone and escaped, he decided to hold hands," Kakashi reports. "It may also stem from his childhood and the lack of physical affection-" 

"I wanted to escort him home," Zabuza interrupts carelessly, completely at ease with being surrounded by tense Konoha ninja. "You never know what kind of sick people might be out there. He could get hurt."

The Sandaime stares at the missing-nin, the blood thirsty monster from Kirigakure, and simply nods in agreement instead of pointing out the hypocrisy. "And what do you plan to do now that you've successfully escorted Kakashi home?"

"I'll leave," Zabuza claims easily enough. "I need to get stronger to protect him better."

"Maybe focus on getting stronger than  _me_  first," Kakashi murmurs.

Killing intent fills the room and Zabuza turns to glare at him. "We never did finish the fight. You wanna go?"

Kakashi's 'trump card' causes obsession, not warm and fluffy feelings. People don't lose their personality so Zabuza is still a cruel asshole, he's just forced to direct that cruelty into keeping Kakashi alive and content. In Zabuza's mind, fighting doesn't count as malicious harm towards the Hatake because he's not going to kill the Konoha ninja at the end.

"Try me," Kakashi drawls.

The Hokage coughs loudly and pointedly while the other ninja in the room stay coiled up and ready for a fight.

Kakashi inwardly winces but his expression stays blank. The last time he showed his face to someone, he was twelve and accidentally hooked some poor kid with a scar across his nose. Kakashi is an adult now, this is not supposed to be happening and he's maybe a bit upset so that irritation gets transferred to the nearest safe target: Zabuza.

The Hokage nods at Zabuza and the missing-nin stalks out of the room with Haku at his heels. Then the Hokage turns to Kakashi. "I think we should get you a more durable mask, don't you think? To hide that  _Sharingan_  better."

Kakashi makes a vague sound to indicate a positive reply as he tries in vain to smother himself with the orange book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know Naruto that well (I haven’t read more than the bridge mission above) so I can’t do more than the bare basics, but if anyone wants to continue this, just tell me and I would be very happy for you to write it.


	4. Chapter 4

A couple days after Zabuza leaves, Kakashi wakes in the middle of the night to a shadow looming over his bed.

"Not now," Kakashi groans in annoyance and rolls away.

A normal jonin would be wide awake and reaching for a weapon already. Unfortunately for Kakashi, the stalker problem has completely killed any iota of caution he has.

It takes him a few seconds to realises that none of the dogs (both rescue ones and his own summons) scattered over his apartment alerted him to the intruder. Only his father and Guy can get past without setting the dogs off, and it can't be either of them since his dad would have just woken him up normally and Guy is as silent as a walrus giving birth.

Kakashi rolls over again to face the intruder who somehow got past trained ninja dogs, really hoping it's not Danzo again. That was a traumatic night; being lead to the secret Root lair and interrogated about what he wanted for Christmas.

The shadow at his bedside slowly gains definition from the moonlight streaming through the window. The Root operative stares down at him and Kakashi only now remembers leaving them behind in Wave.

They lift an edge of Kakashi's quilt and starts sliding into the bed with him. Kakashi sits up, incredulous at how the other just steals the pillow and goes straight to sleep.

Kakashi gives up. Yep, he just doesn't care anymore.

He shoves the quilt off his legs and crawls to the end of the bed since he's blocked in by the Root operative and the wall. He then feels his way through the dark room, carefully stepping over the dogs that litter the floor all the way to the front door.

The dogs watch him go in curiosity, having woken up when Kakashi told the intruder to leave. A few stand up, tails wagging.

"I'm going to dad's," Kakashi explains as he slips on some shoes.

A flood of hounds follow him outside and trail him across rooftops.

* * *

Kakashi is wandering through the Forest of Death in preparation for the Chunin exams, checking for any tampering. Well, any tampering past what Konoha has officially done.

The participants started arriving a week ago so free jonin and chunin get conscripted into combing through the forty-fourth training ground and disabling any and all pre-set traps. The exams are supposed to be a surprise to see how the contestants think on their feet, but the events always leak considering how many people are needed to set it up.

Kakashi stops at the edge of a quicksand trap and uses a hardening jutsu to cancel out the soft ground.

"Senpai."

Kakashi whirls around in a blur, kunai already in his hand even before he lays eyes on the man who snuck up on him.

Itachi stares at the silver haired jonin.

Kakashi relaxes but doesn't let go of his weapon. Itachi is strange, one of the few where Kakashi can't pinpoint the moment he revealed his face to the other.

The Sharingan is especially dangerous since the wielder's edict memory combined with control over genjutsu means they can pass along the image of Kakashi. If they're good enough, the obsession passes as well. A few Uchiha knew, but the… infection comes with a feeling of possessiveness and most would hold onto the memory rather than freely give it away.

The Hyuuga are just as much of a threat. The mask blocks their eyes, but he has to constantly wear it and always be on guard. Plus, they tend to get suspicious when they can see through everything except one person's clothes.

"I told you to stop sneaking up on me," Kakashi says.

"I apologise, senpai," Itachi replies without sounding very apologetic. "I was passing by and decided to visit. I… thought you had noticed me."

There's something in the younger man's voice that makes Kakashi think he needs to tread carefully. Maybe a double meaning? Kakashi tries to compare the words to standard Konoha code, and then tries with the secret ANBU one but comes up with nothing.

"No," Kakashi says slowly. "No, I didn't notice you."

Itachi nods, his face blank.

Kakashi feels guilty for some reason. "You're very good at stealth," he praises. "I never notice you."

Itachi says nothing, just turns and starts walking away. His expression right as he starts leaving is crushed, like someone killed his family – oh, wait a second.

"Turn yourself in!" Kakashi calls out at the retreating figure because he feels like he needs to try something. "Or at least stop breaking into Konoha!"

There's no reply. Kakashi wasn't really expecting one.

He checks that the quicksand has been neutralised and heads towards the Hokage's tower. He's been ordered specifically to not fight when his more dangerous stalkers show up. It was decided that Kakashi being on good terms with the stalkers means that they don't go out of their way to cause more trouble for Konoha.

Plus, he always reports when he encounters actual threats. He's kind of like a spy – except everyone knows it and he's also mildly unwilling.

Sometimes he hates it. He's better than this -over a thousand jutsu, ANBU at  _thirteen_ \- and yet he's been commanded to play along. Kakashi understands the logic, but he has pride as well.

Ten minutes to make them drop their guard and one Chidori. That's all he needs.

Kakashi shakes off the part of his mind that immediately starts planning in a cold, clinical process. He's a bit sleep deprived because the Root operative keeps showing up at night and wanting to snuggle, that's all.

* * *

Kakashi is walking out of the meeting room, three slips of paper in his hand for his genin to fill out for the chunin exam. Iruka strides after him, determined. Kakashi has honestly thought about this, weighed the pros and cons, and this is the decision he's making regardless if Iruka protests or not.

"Kakashi," Iruka calls out.

"I'm not changing my mind," Kakashi warns. He's known the other since he was twelve; it's best to cut Iruka off early.

"It's not about that," the academy teacher protests, beginning to get that strange look in his eyes that all of Kakashi's victims have. "I just wanted to give you this." He pulls a small pink flower from his pocket and holds it out.

Kakashi starts walking faster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You have no idea how tempted I was to have every Hyuuga be able to see Kakashi's face so it's just an entire clan (cult) dedicated to poor Kakashi.
> 
> For those of you who don't remember, Iruka was mentioned last chapter as having been accidentally shown when they were kids. I think Iruka is less 'evil mastermind' and more likely to ask Kakashi out on dates where Iruka gives him flowers and pays for food and walks Kakashi back to his apartment.
> 
> Which stalker do you guys like the best? I have a particular fondness for the ANBU commander, who is never mentioned but is definitely watching Kakashi in the background.


End file.
